Fracts for September 2024

DISCLAIMER 

A "Fract" is a fractured fact, if you didn't already guess that. Nothing in this post is true including this disclaimer. But, I had to add this disclaimer because a growing number of humans were basing their entire belief system on "The Truth As We Know It". And that, in itself, is a Fract. And now for the most current Fracts, which are, unfortunately, hard to separate from common content on the internet, which is a series of pipes.

END OF DISCLAIMER

We were required by a so called Universal Health Code, to add that last "end of disclaimer" title, because too many easily hypnotized readers would continue to read the disclaimer repeatedly, ignoring all reality, until their muscles were wasted, blood glucose was dangerously low, and they missed several episodes of The Secret Lives of Mormon Wives and, thus, didn't know why Dakota was angry with Mayci. 

THE REAL END OF THE DISCLAIMER

So, now for real life, as Bluey would say, the Fracts. Note that this is not part of a disclaimer -- it's just a note. So, there's no need to add another "end of disclaimer". -END OF NOTE

FRACT 2024.09.07.0001 Every conceivable lie has been told, so, in the future, if it's on the Internet, you can believe it.

FRACT 2024.09.07.0002 Turns out, the Fract which stated that "anyone can play guitar if they just try", is not really true.

FRACT 2024.09.07.0003 It is not absolutely true that a lie can never be easily not spotted because the tellers of lies, don't NEVER use language which intends to not make the truth of lies unspottable. Don't you not not disagree?

FRACT 2024.09.07.0004 The integers between 44 and 49 were found in Terrance Howard's backyard. Unfortunately, 52 remains missing.

FRACT 2024.09.07.0005 "Love Island" is not real. Well, not in the sense that reality is actual reality. But then, what is "Nothing"... so, how can we know anything for sure? 

FRACT 2024.09.07.0006 Even though your monitors sound good when your band does its sound check, after about half an hour of ear splitting stage volume, they begin to sound muddy. This is the entirely sound person's fault and you should scold them firmly because you're sure it's them, and not you.

FRACT 2024.09.07.0007 Paul McCartney died in a car wreck in 1966 and was replaced by a nearly identical, left-handed virtuoso bassist, who could sing just like the original Paul, and wrote songs in the style of the deceased. Because such uniquely talented people are plentiful. Because some people are really stupid.

FRACT 2024.09.07.0008 Many years ago, this guy built a really huge boat and he took a bunch of animals a stuck them all on this boat while it rained for a bunch of days and then it stopped and he let all the animals go and the animals all just went about their business and the people in that family all repopulated the earth unaware that they were probably going to encounter the effects of procreating with close relatives the end. HA HA HA HA HA HA HA.

FRACT 2024.09.07.0009 It not well known that Fred Flintstone was a jazz saxophone player who pioneered the playing of major thirds over minor chords. It sounded really bad, which is believed to be the reason behind his obscurity as a jazz innovator. That, and he was a cartoon who could not, in reality, play actual, material musical instruments. Hey... these are Fracts, not just stupid ramblings!

FRACT 2024.09.07.0010 The small island nation of Todolocura is the most violent country on Earth. The population is a just a guy named Bert who likes to hit himself on the head with a brick. Though truly a beautiful island, Todolocura is not recommended for tourism as the only accommodation was a hotel made of brick. It's gone.

FRACT 2024.09.07.0011 A developer in Agoraphilia, TX, built a convenience store, however, he did not include a door, and customers had enter by crawling through a bathroom exhaust vent. He closed the store after three month in the face of a lawsuit which claimed the market was NOT convenient, and was, therefore, fraudulently named.

FRACT 2024.09.07.0012 Late in August of 2024, a prominent physicist announced that he would reveal the true secret of the Universe, that would end starvation, cure all diseases, solve traffic issues in large cities, keep bread fresh for years, prevent grammar errors in all known languages, and would correct the pitch of bad singers. Unfortunately, on the way to his press conference, he stepped on a Lego Brick^tm and fell into a bottomless sinkhole. We were so close... 

FRACT 2024.09.07.0013 The number of cell phones will soon surpass the available supply of countable integers, so, in 2030, carriers will begin augmenting the supply by issuing personal and business phone numbers based on imaginary numbers, irrational number, and infinitely repeating decimals. (The infinitely repeating decimals are still being tested as of this date.) Spokespersons for the carriers said, "It's a real good idea, 'cuz you know why, 'cuz we's really smart and we thinked it."

FRACT 2024.09.07.0014 Turns out, you can divide by zero. Unfortunately, no one knows what the result of operation would be, so, it's still "undefined". But math officials say that you can do it now.

Usage note: You can impress your significant other by whispering Fracts into their ears (assuming they have ears) during those intimate moments. You may assume that the chosen Fracts are so universally known that you need only recite the identification numbers. Results may vary. No refunds will be issued. We are not responsible for any bodily injury incurred during these mutterings. -- End of Usage Note

FRACTS for 2021

 FRACTS for 2021

Well, isn't this embarrassing? Apparently, everything was true and no one dared to tell even a little white lie. All facts were unassailable and the truth was respected. Must have been the virus.

FRACTS for 2020

NOTE: These "fracts" contain not one shred of truth... but, these days, does that stop anyone from quoting them?

2020.10.07.001    A man in Flatonia Texas said today, "Face masks are dangerous because... well... because... well, just because."

2020.10.07.002    If you can't purchase ready-made hand sanitizer, you can make it from ground-up webcams... if you can find one.

2020.10.07.003    String theory predicts that a guitarist will play a lick so fast that we will all be propelled into another dimension. (RIP Eddie Van Halen who, in 1978, did just that!)

2020.10.07.004    A year-old, flat-broke, pigmy octopus is smarter than a self-proclaimed 74 year old billionaire.

2020.10.07.005    If you fold a paper in half, it will actually be the same size it was originally. Due to a puzzling optical illusion, it appears smaller.

2020.10.07.006    Two computer chips were successfully cloned in Montana by a confused biologist.

2020.10.07.007    Samsung has a new disk drive providing a Googolplex of memory. Excited geeks were then disappointed to learn that it was BITS, not BYTES. 

2020.10.07.008    The newest James Bond movie will feature 9-year old Iian Armatage in "The Spy Who Babysat Me", and will premiere as soon as the producer can get parental approval.

2020.10.07.009    Make up your own damn fract 009... geez... lazy bums.

2020.10.07.010    It was officially announced that there now are more podcasts than potential podcast listeners. Those that don't have podcasts, have YouTube channels.

2020.10.07.011    The first Googolplex memory is still not large enough to store all the podcasts and YouTube videos. 

2020.10.07.012    The Googolplex hard drive will take 17,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 millennia to backup onto the, ironically required, 5 1/4 inch floppy disks. Or maybe more.

2020.10.07.013    The human race spends a cumulative 300,000,000 hours daily thinking of ways to confound telemarketers.

2020.10.07.014    MIT mathematician, Gordon Flashmann, today proved that, in fact, you can win 'em all. He said, when interviewed, that next, he intends to show that you can have your cake and eat it, too. Still believed to be unprovable, though, is this long theorized equation:
Bird_hand = 2 x Bird_bush.

2020.10.07.015    Turns out, Mr. Burns is not dead... he's a cartoon, dummy!

2020.10.07.016    TV producers today ran out of ideas for new reality series.

2020.10.07.017    When you break an egg into a skillet, a light bulb illuminates somewhere in China.

2020.10.07.018    I'm tired and gonna go to bed. FACT, not FRACT!

Fracts for 2018

#00000036
Fortunately, though there are those who would mislead the public, the US news media is more watchful than ever for spotting and calling out deception, lies, spin,  and untruths.


#00000037 
You are clever and funny when you're drunk.

#00000038
100% of American's agree, robo-calls are a great idea. 

#00000039
Roofing is fun.

#00000040
The scientific community is now unified behind the concept that "the more you eat, the healthier you get." 

#00000041
The 325 residents of Woodchuck, KS, on September 23, 2017, all simultaneously shouted, "Umberto", for no discernable reason.

#00000042
The cast members of "Housewives of Beverly Hills" are paradigms of admirable behavior.

#00000043
Bands love it when you climb onto the stage and grab the microphone. You're adorable when you're drunk.

#00000044
Dale Grogman of Bejeweled, IN, submitted a DNA sample to Ancestry.com, and discover he had absolutely no identifiable link to the remainder of humanity.

#00000049
Ninety-six percent of Americans would vote for Arnold the Pig as mayor of their own city.

#00000050
Though this oddity was previous unnoticed by mathematicians who specialize in number theory, there are no integers between 44 and 49. Most It is believed this is due to Earth's shifting magnetic field and that banning major 7th chords might hasten the return of the upper 40s... or banning something else.

#00000051
If you swallow pure sodium metal, you will explode.
(Editor's note: this myth has now been debunked.)

#00000053
It turns out that the integer previously known as "fifty-two" is also missing. It is also a fact that a majority of people over 44 can't figure out whether they should add or subtract from their age to account for the missing integers.

#00000054
Dang.

#00000055
Where HAVE all the flowers gone?

#00000056
Everything previously thought to be true is actually false and vice versa -- including this statement.

#00000057
The Council of Extra-terrestrial Civilizations issued a statement poopooing (their word) restrictions on illegal aliens. Spokesalien, Lrrr of Omicron, said, "We will eat your livers." 

#00000058
Dorothy Grunne of Peasburgh, MA, got her toe caught under the exit of the down escalator at a local shopping mall and was sliced to ribbons. Later in the afternoon, in the food court, the BurgerNut^tm sold two-for-one hamburgers.

#00000059
"It's just writer's block," said Alan Prufrock, ironically from Alantown, IL. Mr. Prufrock has not written a single complete sentence in his entire life, but thinks that he'd like to be a songwriter.
 

Even More Fracts For 2016

Fracts for 2016

#00000021 
Although Donald Trump has five toes on both feet, on his left foot, he has 6 toenails.

#000000022
L Ron Hubbard, founder of Scientology, at age 17 was the oldest person ever to participate in the White House Easter Egg Hunt. He found one egg.

#00000023
Three-legged race, considered a major sport in the Marshall Islands, may be added to the Summer Olympics.

#00000024
 If you stare at a blank web page, you can see the logo of the Trilateral Commission, along with the underlying copyright.

#00000025
A farmer in Northern Ireland claims to have a chicken that can sing like Mariah Carey.

#00000026
Fleetwood Mac has an in-progress album project which is expected to be completed in early to mid 2034.

#00000027
The number eleven, long thought to be a prime, is actually divisible by fivenahalf, a previously unknown integer. Nostradamus predicted this discovery.

#00000028
Chimpanzees in the wild are excellent swimmers and by instinct, use the backstroke.

#00000029
President Grover Cleveland was an accomplished ventriloquist and could recite the Preamble to the Constitution without any perceptible lip movement.

#00000030
It turns out, anyone can play guitar if you just try.

#00000031
The best way to remove coffee stains on a shirt is to chew 3 garlic cloves, a sardine (packed in oil), 2 low sodium Fritos, a strawberry, and a teaspoon of dill weed, then spit the resulting mix into a hole in the backyard. The coffee stains mysteriously disappear in time.

#00000032
99.99127% of all Americans can't think of what they came into the kitchen for.

#00000033
"Why" is more commonly asked than "how".

#00000034
An angel fish in the aquarium at Min's Chinese Diner in Cottonwood Falls, Kansas, has correctly predicted the outcome of the NCAA basketball tournament since 1953. 

#00000035
The Tooth Fairy is an invention of the International Monetary Fund.

#00000036
The "Clean Plate Club" is bigger than anyone knows.

#00000037
Secret tests conducted at the International Space Station, show that balsa wood in outer space has the same tensile strength as titanium steel.

Fracts for 2015

#000000013

Wall Street brokers have the moral high ground.

#000000014

The outcome of profession wrestling matches is predetermined... or maybe not.

#000000015

A chicken which is fed a diet of fish meal will grow gills.

#000000016

The Kinks were originally Petula Clark's backup band.

#000000017

Dave Brubeck's "Take Five" is actually in 4/4 time and it's an auditory illusion that causes us to hear it as 5/4.

#000000018

An Ohio man can hold 40 golf balls in his mouth simultaneously.

#000000019

The New York Times Sunday Crossword is part of a secret government program to make all Americans feel stupid, and therefore more easily manipulated.

#000000020

Aaugggaug, a language spoken only by the natives of Uuuaoagi, in the Midway Islands, uses only the vowels, A E I O U, and the letter G, which is pronounced phonetically, "HKGH".

#000000021

The "Brain Stomps" computer virus is planted when a user views illegally posted episodes of the The Simpsons.

More fracts (broken facts)

#00000005
FEMA started the wildfiles and the evacuation is part of a plan to relocate all Texans to reeducation camps in the Catskills.

#000000006
Michelle Bachmann... 'nuff said.

#000000007
Bottled water contains nanobots which will allow New World Order to remotely manage our minds.

#000000008
Big business has our interest at heart.

#000000009
Vice President Joe Biden briefly turned into a lizard during his Labor Day speech.

#000000010
Archeologist recently unearthed an ancient Egyptian calendar which ends on April 13, 1959. Scientists unanimously agree that the Egyptians had advanced knowledge and that the world ended over 52 years ago.

#000000011
Recent double-blind laboratory tests have proved that social conservatives cannot smell the chemical that makes urine smell after eating asparagus.

#000000012
The Obama administration has issued a directive that will require a license to ride horses across US highways.